Features!

Note: Tori Baur and her family took part this summer in the ABC television show Wife Swap. The Baurs--Tori "Mad Sally" Baur, husband John "Ol' Chumbucket" Baur and their children Kate, Millie and Max--were cast as a pirate family (John is co-founder of International Talk Like A Pirate Day). The episode airs in the US on ABC Television September 18 (check local listings). This is Mad Sally's story of how it came about and what the experience was like.

By Tori "Mad Sally" Baur

Everybody asks, "What in the name of Davy Jones' kelp-festooned locker possessed you to be on Wench Swap, er...Wife Swap?"

Like so many things that get people in trouble, the answer is simple: "I was dared."

The creative casting directors for Wife Swap sent out a query to various piratical groups seeking "pirate re-enactors" to appear on their show. Jezebel, our Web Wench at talklikeapirate.com, forwarded the missive to the rest of Team Pirate with a note that read, "I think we can give them a link on our website unless Tori thinks she's pirate enough to show 'em how it's really done."

Sounded like a dare to me.

I sent off a saucy reply to Wife Swap telling them about my bold, sassy children and how my husband is one of the co-creators of International Talk Like a Pirate Day (every September 19th) and how we have embraced pirattitude in our daily lives adding, "Why do you want pirate re-enactors when you can have the real thing?"

Whether or not I am, indeed, "the real thing" remains to be seen.

I can sway and swagger with the best wenches, as I have picked up enough of the pirate lingo through years of celebrating Talk Like a Pirate Day and helping The Pirate Guys, my husband John "'Ol Chumbucket" Baur and our friend Mark "Cap'n Slappy" Summers, conduct important research for their book, "Pirattitude." Okay, most of the research for that book involved sampling many different types of beer and rum, but a wench has to know how to say "aye-aye" to all tasty amber ales, right?

I have also gathered an impressive array of enticing accoutrements to show off my outer pirate, from sexy thigh-high leather boots, to a dashing cutlass and brassard to adorn my corseted buxomness--and remember ladies: a good corset and brassard combination lifts and separates, maximizing the look of any treasure chest!

But looking like a pirate and talking like one isn't what it really takes to be a modern 21st century buccaneer. Those things are piratey to behold, but it took being on Wife Swap to truly understand what being a pirate means--adopting the attitude of a pirate from the inside. I'm not talking about pillaging and plundering. I'm talking about having the courage to show the world who you really are, and never apologizing for it. And believe me, if you do reality TV, you had better have an honest grasp of your persona and not be afraid to show the world--fleas and all.

Wife Swap was convinced our family's level of "pirate" was, indeed, good enough to represent the pirate community, so our messy, chaotic, creative, freedom-loving pirate family was paired up with a rigidly ordered, controlled and controlling family who, I swear on Great Neptune's man nipples, actually lives by the credo, "appearance is everything." They actually said, "You judge a book by its cover."

We've never been a family that much cared about appearances, nor do we conform to the standards society imposes. When you bow to external standards, you're giving the outside world control over how you feel about yourself. My kids are free to wear any clothes they want. My sixteen-year old daughter Kate wouldn't be caught dead sporting a designer label on her shirt and forget trying to put her in makeup. My eight-year-old son Max's favorite ensemble is a silky red and black Japanese style ninja shirt that he wears with bold flower print swim trunks. He thinks he looks great and we think he looks even better because he has dressed himself and feels good about it. Why would any parent tell a child that their choice of wardrobe isn't good enough? Just so long as it is weather appropriate, and doesn't make you look like a whore--I don't advocate young girls dressing like harlots--let stripes and flower prints mix, I say!

Our family also believes in freedom of speech and we encourage our kids to explore and use language freely. This made things interesting when they were confronted by a "swap wife" who loudly and proudly proclaimed that she would censor their reading matter. Not screen or monitor, but censor.

While we hope our children understand and quote from great literary classics, we also understand that the English language includes a great many low-brow fart jokes and other words and phrases that are the meat of late night stand up acts on Comedy Central. Certainly, we don't encourage our children to cuss out their teachers--you have to know your audience--but sometimes a bloody curse word or a salty modifier is the exact word needed. Mark Twain said, "Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."

My thirteen-year old daughter Millie hit the wall at one point during the filming of Wife Swap, and did indeed drop the "F" bomb. After understanding the context behind her terrific delivery, I have never been so proud. My daughter was pushed to the edge of her patience by the prissy swap mom who tried to make Millie conform to an ideal that goes against everything Millie believes in. Her only defense, short of keelhauling the wretched wench, was in her divine gift of language.

I am proud that my husband left a cubicle job in favor of trying to be a successful author, despite the fact that we don't always have a regular paycheck coming in. He is an amazing writer, a genius with the pen; having him at home working on his books is terribly exciting, especially when he shares his work with me on a daily basis. Sure it's risky. The book business is a hard ship to navigate, but if he doesn't try to make it work, he'll never know what he might have done. Why be married to a "could've, should've," when you can have "tried that, did that." My husband is a much happier man living life on his own terms instead of someone else's. And damn if a man doesn't look good dressed like a pirate! Ladies, you know what I'm saying.

If I know one thing about pirates, it is this: They don't sit around and say, "If only I'd had the courage to go on that great adventure." No. Real pirates roll the dice and leap into unknown waters in search of the buried treasure within themselves. Some sink and some swim, but they have better stories to tell.

As for myself, four years ago I went back to Oregon State University to get my degree in literature. A risky adventure for a middle-aged housewife, but honestly I was fed up with society ascribing my worth as a woman because I stayed home with the kids and cleaned a house. Never mind that I cried and rearranged the furniture every time I watched reruns of Oprah. And ate cartons of Death by Chocolate ice cream in a fit of depression because I could never--never--get my whites as bright as the commercials said they should be. Some women are perfectly happy being tablecloth wives and do a great job taking care of their houses and spouses. I know women who enjoy it and they make it look so easy, and more power to them if that's what makes them happy. But for women like me, that kind of life is soul-crushing, so I sacrificed a clean and orderly house and well manicured children in exchange for Shakespeare and Coleridge with a little Blackbeard on the side. Our house is messy. Big deal. Mom is happy. Good deal. Besides, writing a twenty-page paper on, "The Modern Literary Influences of Spenser's Fairie Queen and other Elizabethan Contemporaries" is a hell of a lot easier for me than getting that two-year old spaghetti sauce stain off the kitchen wall.

With these piratical ideals in mind, and being armed with a saucy sense of humor, a cutlass and a love for anything zany and fun, I was sent by Wife Swap to a very orderly household where there was no sense of adventure, no joy or zest for life, only a very controlled and orderly system they expected me to conform to.

We are not allowed to talk about the details of what happened during the course of the show before it airs. It's in our contract. So I can't tell you a lot of WHAT happened or WHY it happened. You can imagine there was a lot of tension between free-wheeling pirates and a family caught up in appearances and so bereft of creativity that they behaved as though "fun" was something that had to be pre-packaged for their protection. I can't tell you, for instance, why late one night I licked their kitchen floor. I probably shouldn't even tell you that I did lick the floor, but you'll know soon enough anyway. Trust me, it makes sense in context and if you still don't get it I'll just say, "Pirate!"

Anybody can throw on a plumed hat, say a few "arrr's" and label him or herself "pirate," but I learned the pirate you wear within, the pirattitude, is far more important than the pirate gear you put on the outside. True pirattitude means living your life the way you want to, with no apologies. It means never having to keep up with the Joneses, or the Davy Joneses for that matter. It means not settling for the mundane. Having pirattitude means having the courage to question authority, and knocking it on its arse if that's what's called for. Pirattitude means living and loving passionately, having a zest and zeal for fun and appreciating the little things in life like a homegrown cherry tomato, a dog who misses you when you're away at sea and rum. Pirattitude is seeing life for all its possibilities, grabbing the cannon by the balls and firing away into the unknown for the sheer adventure of living on the edge. Pirattitude means being free and living freely. And acquiring doubloons. And rum. Appearing on Wife Swap made me understand that even without the corset, I am really a pirate because of who I am inside and what I so strongly and passionately believe in. And now before I accept my shiny crown and scepter, can we talk about world peace?

As for appearing on Wench Swap, there will undoubtedly be people who are aghast at my behavior. Some may even call me crazy (I would remind them my pirate nom de plume is "Mad Sally," not "Even-Keeled Sally"). But I stand firm in my belief that I am proud of who I am and even more proud of my pirate partner and my progeny. My whole family showed they are unique and creative individuals who refuse to be labeled. And I must say, even my dog represented in true pirate fashion. When you watch the season premiere of Wife Swap on September 18th at 8 pm, you will see a family of modern pirates that don't just dress up and talk like pirates on International Talk Like a Pirate Day, but a family that lives with the modern ideals of pirattitude. I will never apologize for my lifestyle, nor am I embarrassed in any way to let the world see my crazy inner and chaotic outer pirate.

And for those who watch the show and still maintain I am a third rate wannabe pirate, I can only reply as Captain Jack Sparrow: When he was told he was the worst pirate they ever heard of, he replied, "But you have heard of me."

Mad Sally

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